Kraft, join us. All is forgiven.

Kraft just put out a news release that drives me nuts in oh so many ways.

First, the release promises to talk about a new study in the headline: “Study Shows Many Women Resolve at Least Four Times a Year to Eat Right, Exercise.” Massive flair for the obvious, indeed, but those of us hungry for information about diet and exercise can learn something here, yes?

No. Because in the very next line (“New South Beach Diet foods from Kraft offer convenience and taste”) we learn that this release uses the study merely to promote South Beach Diet foods which are, of course, made by Kraft.

Here’s the scoop. Kraft sponsored a study in September with just over 1,000 female members of the CyberPulse Advisory Panel. It sounds terribly scientific, but the panel, which is run by Impulse Research, a public opinion firm in Los Angeles, consists of people who complete surveys to win prizes. So a bunch of people who want to win prizes said they resolve at least four times a year to eat right and exercise. Big deal.

And not only isn’t the study a major scientific breakthrough, but it is, in fact, merely a thinly-veiled excuse for Kraft to promote their line of diet food. Okay. A company has got to make a buck. Although in Kraft’s case, the buck in the third quarter of 2006 was “$8.2 billion.”

But what really irks me is that this comes from the same company that brought us a host of household names ranging from Cool Whip (whose first four ingredients are water, corn syrup, hydrogenated vegetable oil, and high fructose corn syrup) to Kraft Guacamole Dip (first four ingredients: water, partially hydrogenated coconut and soybean oil, corn syrup, whey protein concentrate).

So, first we stuff ourselves with Kraft household products, then we are asked to lose weight with more Kraft household products, namely, the South Beach Diet foods based on the diet of the same name. A diet the Mayo Clinic classifies as a glycemic index diet, the type of diet they say “you may have difficulty following” because “many factors other than food influence your blood sugar level, including your age and weight, the type of food preparation, and the portion size.”

I’m disappointed.

Kraft, we’ve all enjoyed your Mallomars and your Taco Bell. We didn’t know better. We are pleased to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn’t know better, either. But now we all know better. And we’ve moved on to a wonderful land devoid of corn syrup and partially hydrogenated everything. So join us. And stop this shallowness. All is forgiven.