The four facts you absolutely MUST know about weight and diet, especially if you are a woman, but even more so if you are a man who lives with a woman

Fact 1: Weight fluctuates, but only for women
My weight can fluctuate up to five pounds in a week. Five pounds! That’s more than an entire kitten. In other words, the jeans that are baggy on Monday are, to put it politely, snug by Friday. Snug as in if I stay seated too long I will slow, but surely, asphyxiate.

My husbands weight, on the other hand, never fluctuates. Pounds rarely disappear, but if they do, say like the time he had pneumonia and was too ill to eat, they stay away. Perhaps my pounds like me better than his pounds like him. Clearly the only possible explanation.

Fact 2: There is only one second in every month when a women's weight is accurate
That occurs the absolute second your period stops. One second later, and your body is storing up for the next one thereby rendering your scales wildly inaccurate. I once missed that second for five months running and, boy, what a surprise was in store for me.

Fact 3: There is only one way to weigh yourself
Fully clothed. By all means, remove the jewelery (oh that we all had jewels so heavy they would register on the average bathroom scale), the shoes, the jacket, and any other extraneous items (put down the laptop ... down). But never, NEVER weigh yourself naked. Weighing yourself is bad enough. If you attempt to do so naked, you will instantly combust.

Fact 4: Horrible facts about weight or why losing is pure torture
  • One pound of fat equals 3500 calories
  • One hour of jogging burns 500 calories
  • You would have to jog for one hour a day, each and every day, for an entire week to burn just one calorie
  • On the flip side, one slice of carrot cake is 270 calories
  • If you eat almost 13 slices of carrot cake, you only gain one pound
  • And it only takes 20 minutes to eat that much cake
And what have I learned from all these facts?
Eating is far more efficient than jogging. Which makes jogging pointless.

So what is my conclusion?
Clearly, we are all amazing for not weighing more than we do. We should have a chocolate to celebrate.